No More DID Chaos

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Hope Transcends More than We Can Imagine

So, I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been focusing on other illnesses that I’ve been diagnosed with. You see, I have several rare diseases that cause me horrific pain and disability. I unfortunately suffer on a daily basis. It’s a miracle just for me to get out of bed and walk in my life each day. Well, my conditions have gotten worse and my prognosis is not good. I’ve been trying to process the truth about my health and how it affects my family and friends. I’m sad, but I know God is going to use my life as an example of hope and love for others.

The DID has taken a backseat in my life for now. I’ve been integrated enough to not be distracted by my alters. It’s like they are all united in focusing on others aspects of my life and I am grateful. I don’t have negative or destructive voices challenging me on a daily basis.

I give God all of the glory for my integrations and healing. It was not a psychologist or psychiatrist. It was not a person or pastor. It was God. It was Jesus and it was the Holy Spirit who brought me out of the chaos that DID can be. The thing is, there’s hope. There’s a Bible verse that reads, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12).”

We can’t defer our hope. We can’t just push it away and expect to remain healthy. Without hope we become lost and sick, stressed and overwhelmed. So, it’s simple, stay hopeful. How do we stay hopeful when life is crazy and stressful? How do we become integrated? How can we find peace and joy in life when all things seem impossible?

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With people [as far as it depends on them] it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:26, Amplified Bible

This verse doesn’t say “some things” it says “all things.” All things. And it’s true. I face a pretty scary future, but I can still have peace and joy during the suffering I endure. If I can experience wonderful things and enjoy a less chaotic life, so can you.

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Spontaneous Integration

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Who Knew?

I’m not like Sybil. Though I can forget things that I’ve done or said, my alters for the most part are co-conscious. I’m highly functioning, or what would be called Functional Multiplicity.

I was recently integrated some more — spontaneously. I wasn’t really trying to integrate, I just figured I would integrate if I was ready. I knew I was integrated more because the conversations in my head have become less erratic and anxious. There are literally fewer of “me” in my head. It’s really hard to explain, but I feel less weighed down by a large group. There are fewer arguments and questions in my head. I feel stronger and more sane, if that makes sense.

I asked my System who was integrated, and was told by one of my primaries, that my entire tertiary level of alters were integrated with my secondary alters. Now, I only have two levels in the hierarchical structure, and I feel great!

How did it happen? I let it go. I gave my situation over to God and kept living life as normally as I could in His strength and power for me.

The Bible says that all things are possible with Christ, and now I believe it more than ever.

Hold onto Hope

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Love Yourself

Loving ourselves for who we are is critical. We were made special, capable of connecting with so many others because we have more personalities. We can be flexible and capable of loving others for who they are. We can love ourselves for our uniqueness. We are special.

Full Disclosure

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Sitting in Judgement

People just can’t imagine what it’s like for us. We’ve all been judged for being dissociative. So, we’ve spent our lives learning how to hide the DID. We’ve been forced to call it something else, anything else, to rationalize it away. DID has been the cause of damaged relationships, misunderstandings, loss of jobs, loss of friends and deep loneliness. So, how much do we ever disclose?

I chose to tell my family and close friends.

They may not understand, but I’ve tried. I told my family and a couple of close friends, because I wanted them to understand why I did or said certain things. I’d rather they know that I’m not forgetful, or undependable, or low in character, I’m fighting a disorder that occasionally makes me that way. I want them to know that if I don’t remember something, it’s not my choice and I do deeply care about them still. I can’t control when I switch, and now they are starting to see it and can deal with it however they choose.

I find that during conversations I can tell them I’m sorry for not knowing about something we’ve already talked about. They seem to be more understanding, rather than mad at me. Honestly, it’s been pretty amazing. I’m hopeful that as time goes by my relationships with my family will only get better. I’m finding that I’m less defensive knowing that they know about my DID. I feel safer.

Defensiveness

DID is a purely defensive position. We are defending ourselves by switching. I find that I’m not as capable of being loving and compassionate toward others. It’s hard for me to reach out toward others with an open heart, because I’m so used to waiting for the next trigger to come. This makes me seem and feel very self-centered and I don’t like that. I find I have to strive to be kind, loving and caring because it doesn’t come naturally to me. Some of my alters are that way, so I seem kind and caring, but I’m not that way. I’m always waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop.

I hate being defensive, that’s why I fully disclosed my DID to my family and close friends. It was just my personal choice. It may not be yours, and that’s okay. It seems that having DID is a lot like grief — everyone does it very differently.

Food for thought,

Jana

The Good Old Daze

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If Only I Could Remember

Holidays bring family around reminiscing days of old. Which sucks for people with DID.

At our Christmas Eve dinner, I stopped counting how many times someone asked me if I remembered when…. But I couldn’t remember. My siblings started staring at me strangely. I couldn’t be a part of the conversation and none of my alters were helping me out. It was pretty sobering.

The past is such a mystery to me. Now, I’m grateful to know I have been dealing with DID my whole life. I can say I understand when I can’t remember something that happened in the past. I understand that I just wasn’t myself, I was someone else. That someone else carries the memories and if I really need them, I’m sure I will be reminded. Maybe those memories will help me to heal. Maybe they just need to stay where they are.

Waiting to remember,

 Jana

P.S.: I hope you remember your positive childhood holidays.

“Help us to remember that our days are numbered, and help us to interpret our lives correctly. Set your wisdom deeply in our hearts so that we may accept your correction.“

Psalm 90:12

Masters of Compartmentalization

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Living in Mental Boxes

Like DID, compartmentalization is a subconscious defense mechanism used to avoid distress and anxiety. This happens when someone has incongruous values, beliefs, emotions, etc. within themselves. Compartmentalization allows for multiple viewpoints that can oppose each other in the same person under different self-states. It can also be an intellectual form of rationalization for having opposing beliefs or values. And it can be a form of emotional detachment and/or used for denial.

An example of compartmentalization for someone with DID could be that one alter, or identity states believes in the death penalty where another doesn’t. Or more simply, that one alter likes sushi and another won’t touch it with a ten-foot chop stick.

We all compartmentalize parts of our lives. We often act and feel differently at home, or in the gym than we do at work. This can come in handy for homicide detectives, morticians, and nearly every first responder job. But compartmentalization can hinder our relationships, career paths, and ability to interact in teams and community.

Those of us with DID live in multiple diversely self-made boxes. And I believe that the more we get to know the different identity states we walk in, the more we define those alter boxes. This creates well-formed alters versus nameless fragments. And yes, we create them.

We unknowingly pull from our subconscious minds information we’ve filed regarding character and personality throughout our lives. And sometimes, we also make some conscious decisions as to what we are willing to accept or not in an identity states. That may not be a popular statement, but I do believe we have a responsibility to leave evil thoughts and characteristics behind. We have the power to be honorable, righteous and sanctified.

So, are we to blur the edges of our boxes for integration? Maybe. I think I’m going to try to open some boxes.

Lifting the lids off,

Jana

P.S.: Stay safe and blessings to you.

Invisible Disabilities Podcast

Look for me on CastBox, iHeart Radio, Pandora, iTunes and other Podcast streamers.

DID Inside Out, Episode 5

We are invisible. We are suffering though we look well. People don’t understand that we are using more energy than they are because we are trying to cope and do life. It’s harder for us and I’m asking friends and family members of “DID-ers” to give us grace.

Now You See It

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Now You Don’t

Invisible Disabilities and Illnesses run rampant in America. We are dying from Heart Attacks, Strokes, Obesity, Cancer, Alzheimer’s and more. Nearly all of these illnesses are invisible. We have them, but we still look good. When we aren’t looking well, people chalk it up to just one of those days. We look normal, we don’t show any more symptoms than they do on any given day.

And, they think we are exaggerating, looking for pity or outright lying.

Our friends and family sometimes question our disorders, illnesses and/or disabilities. They say the doctors are diagnosing us just to keep us as patients and to fill us with expensive prescriptions. Then the shots about “big pharma” happen. We try not to feel bad for taking the medications they are shooting down—I just stopped telling people exactly what I take. They also offer homeopathic options that cost more than the prescriptions, and it’s hard to find someone to guide us on the supplement path.

The worst thing for me is that on top of the DID I have several other major illnesses that I must take medication for at this time in my life.

That was a rabbit trail.

Anyway, DID is an Invisible Disorder for me. I switch between alters so fast that even I can’t tell it’s happening. It’s not until some alters’ idiosyncrasies happen that I know who I am at that moment. And trust me, when I can’t tell no one else can either.

Now, all people have different faces or masks they wear for certain situations, which is a normal form of dissociation. People daydream getting lost in thought and do things like drive automatically and forgetting how they arrived at their destination.

Dissociation is normal.

There are just some of us who dissociated as children due to trauma and as a result we live with other personalities.

DID is real. We are not invisible.

I see you,

Jana

P.S.: Be visible by communicating how you are doing with loved ones.

Psychology

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Trying it Again

I know, I know, I should have been seeing a psychologist along with my psychiatrist long ago, but I’ve never had a good experience with one.

The last one I saw was about 8 years ago. In the very first session with her I mentioned that I have DID and she left the room, copied the DSM-VI page with the little part about DID, gave it to me, and she said, “This is what DID is.” I was like, “Yes, and?”

 I also told her that one of my parts will convince her in a very short period of time that I’m fine and she will only want to see me once every few months. Guess what happened after our third session? Yep, I didn’t go back.

So, after being diagnosed with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures I figured I’d better see somebody—so I did.

The DID Secret

I hate that we have to “hide” DID. I mean, I get it, we get labeled crazy and so many doctors and therapists don’t even believe it’s real.

Here’s where I am with that: Whether it’s real or not, this is how my mind decided to process trauma. Perception is reality, even to us. So, if DID is how I have to get through the PTSD, Depression and Anxiety then that’s what I’ll do. Because I believe that with some deep inner healing, I’ll be cured.

I know, I know, some people say there’s no cure. But I have hope I can conquer this because I’ve overcome a lot in my life already.

So, Mr. Psychologist, Sir, here I come.

With expectation,

Jana

P.S: I hope this works. What is your experience with counselling?

Convenient Blaming

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Inconvenient Illnesses

On top of the DID with PTSD, I was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) and Fibromyalgia all over the past six years. So, I can no longer work or do much of anything else.

It’s a seriously stressful drag. To add fuel to the fire (CRPS joke), I find out tomorrow if I have Type 2 Diabetes, and a few days ago I found out I have Liver Disease and Stage 2 Kidney Disease.

Why bring this all up regarding DID?

Shaming and blaming.

People with DID are familiar with constant inner dialog. We have multiple parts or alters invested in everything we do, and the parts don’t always get along. Upon finding out about more diagnoses a few days ago, I had an anxiety attack that started arguments between some of my parts. They were conveniently blaming each other for not eating better, for taking all the medications for the other illnesses, for being born, etc. It got pretty bad and I ended-up in a deep depression. Then my parts were shaming and blaming each other for being depressed. I’ve been on a rotten merry-go-round for days.

So, I’m going to work this out here, in writing. As I do this, I will switch quickly through some of my parts who are representing all of us. I know this is going to happen because that’s how my DID works.

I don’t change voices, or make-up and clothing when I switch. I switch too quickly for all that. There are situations that my parts argue over what to wear and I can’t make a decision. But it’s rare. I don’t even know I switch the majority of the time but can look back and see where certain alters took control. The other way I become aware of switching is my internal dialogue. The only time I’m NOT engaged in conversations with multiple parts and switching is when I have effectively distracted myself.

I use distraction for pain management and have gotten very good at it—maybe too good.

Talking it Out

I am ready to step through the fear of being more ill and face reality. So, I will ask myself some “what if” questions and give “so what” answers.

What if I have Diabetes? I believe it’s reversible in many cases, so I do what I can to overcome it.

What if it’s really bad? We’d be in the hospital. It’s not going to be bad.

What if I have to take more medication? It may only be temporary. I trust our doctor.

What if the liver and kidneys get worse? The liver can recover to some extent. It depends on the current damage and we’re having another ultrasound soon. The liver and kidneys can be supported through diet and exercise. We’ve lived through worse. Right!? We always knew life would be shorter because of the other illnesses. We’ll make the most out of what we have.

It all sounds logical, but my heart hurts. That’s normal, you need to grieve, once again, the life you thought you’d have and accept the new one. Being ill is horrible. I agree.

So, what now? Place it in God’s hands. I can do that. I love you. Love you too. Can we all just do the same? Love each other and give it to God? Yep.

Trusting Him,

Jana

P.S.: Communication is key.